divorcing a parent

This post has been on my mind for months. Recently, I went to lunch with a friend who I have known for years but we weren’t super close until we realized that we had so much similarity in our lives. It’s funny how divorce and exes and raising children can bring people together. So, after having lunch with her and, after MANY conversations with another dear friend of mind about this topic, I finally felt that I had the words to put the pen to the paper, so to speak. The similarities in all of our stories and lives and the lives of our children were pretty blatantly shocking. So, I wrote a draft, shared it with them, and received the same feedback (one with tears). “Yes. That’s exactly it”.

If you have read this blog (or know my children), then you know that I have said it over and over and I’ll say it again. Divorce is not easy. No one chooses to get a divorce for the fun of it. No one goes into a marriage thinking, “well, if this doesn’t work out then we can just get a divorce”. No one SHOULD think that, right?

But, what happens when your child is the one who chooses to divorce their other parent? And for almost the exact same reasons that you got a divorce as well? Marriage and divorce counseling didn’t prepare me for this change in dynamic. This difficult and sensitive situation. How do I handle this with grace while supporting a child who is too young to make big life decisions, but who is also old enough to recognize when things are just “not OK”?

In many divorce agreements it explicitly states that both parties should hold the other parent in a positive light at all times for the sake of the children. Lord knows that is so hard to do, but, like many of you, we have certainly made every effort to do so. Until that day that we found out that the other parents weren’t giving us the same courtesy and weren’t abiding by the agreement, and haven’t been for a while. And, not only have they not attempted to abide, they have been blatantly violating the agreement. As with anything else, time tells all truths. In our case, once the children were old enough to see both sides, see the manipulation that they were going through and truly understand truth versus lie then everything got even more messy.

As I said before, it’s funny how divorce can bring some people together. Divorced moms just seem to “get it”. They know the heartache of raising children in a divorced household. They know the frustration of dealing with other parents who are just so darn difficult to deal with and who just make life so much more stressful. They also know the pain of seeing their own children in an environment that is just not a healthy one. Knowing that one (or all) of our children is or has been lied to, manipulated, the victim of their other parent’s alcohol abuse, emotional abuse and/or verbal abuse, guilt trips, lies and so much more is devastating to all involved.

But, according to North Carolina, we are all supposed to encourage our kids to go back to their other parent because their mom/dad is “trying their best” or “it’s good for you to spend time with them” or “you have to go there because that is what the agreement says”. It is so hard to encourage children, young and impressionable children, to put themselves in an unhealthy home life because that’s what we are “supposed to do”.

Well, eventually those children grow up a little. Eventually those children are able to verbalize what they see and hear, know right from wrong, recognize abusive behaviors, explain why they are uncomfortable. So, then what?

North Carolina law states what should happen, but funny, it is so fuzzy on the issue of when a child can choose what is right or wrong. There is no legal age when children can choose the home life in which they feel most comfortable. I have spent hours on the phone with friends, sat around our fire pit with friends, sent day-long texts back and forth with friends who are struggling because their daughter or son is hurting, has anxiety, is missing classes or failing classes, and is just truly unhappy with their other parent. So, when can a child be assured that it is OK for them to choose to live with the more stable, secure, healthy parent? In other words, when can a child choose to “divorce” their other parent?

I feel, and would imagine that you might agree, that when the level of mental, emotional, alcohol or other forms of abuse or the environment and stability (or lack thereof) at home interferes with the ability for a child to thrive is when a child can make that decision. While it seems like a no brainer and pretty straightforward, supporting a child through this type of transition is not easy. Listening to them and helping them while staying neutral is practically impossible. But, it can be done. We have been doing it and I’m sure many of you reading this can relate. I know you are doing it, too.

When we stepped back and looked at everything that has happened over the years, we have come to a huge conclusion. A parent isn’t the person who gave you life. A dad isn’t just someone who opens their wallet or shows up to a game every now and then or takes you on extravagant trips. A dad is there to make memories with, memories of driving to school in the morning, someone who makes the best grilled salmon, someone to be silly with but who will also be serious when needed. A dad is someone who offers guidance when school is hard or boys or girls are weird. A dad is someone who will be there for every practice and game and will make sure that you have all of the gear you need. He will throw the ball in the yard and blow the leaves off of the trampoline because your friends are coming to jump. And he will do it all the time, every time. Not just when it’s convenient or when it’s “his time”.

What about a mom? The title of “mom” is a pretty important one and, if you’re doing it right, that job never ends. It doesn’t end when your children aren’t with you. A mom isn’t someone who just sends a text to you every now and then to show she’s “trying”. A mom doesn’t use her time with you to corner you and manipulate you into thinking she is the right one and your dad is just “so awful”. A mom isn’t someone who puts themself before their child. It’s just the opposite. A real mom is there for hair braiding, dinner making, homework helping, life lesson teaching and for listening. A real mom celebrates wins with their kids, dries tears for losses and never gives up on their kids. A real mom isn’t fake. She doesn’t act one way in public and an a completely different way behind closed doors, a real mom knows that little eyes are seeing this nonsense. A real mom should know that her erratic and not genuine behavior makes their own children uncomfortable. A real mom is an example of not only what a mom should be but what a woman and a friend should be and they should only care about one person that is watching, their own children.

Real parents do all of these things all of the time, whether their children are with them or not. Whether it’s their “week” or not. Whether their child is sad or distant or upset or not. Honestly, a real parent should be trying even harder if they feel that their child is sad or distant or upset. A real parent would also not make their child feel this way. A real parent would not make their child be the parent. A real parent would be the parent and not cause drama in their child’s life. Growing up in today’s society, our children have enough (age appropriate) drama as it is.

I have come to realize that biology truly does not make a parent a parent. And neither does North Carolina law.

Loving a child through this mess caused by adults is not always easy either. You have to set your own thoughts and feelings aside and really hear what your child is saying. When they say that something feels “weird” or “off” or “strange”, what does that mean? When they tell you stories of things that have happened that are so incredibly hard to believe that they could actually happen in their other parent’s house then you have to decide what is truthful, what is exaggerated, what is important and what is not.

But, eventually the truths all come out. The stories that the kids had been telling for years are, sadly, actual truth. If you live in a small town, like we do, eventually the phone calls start coming in from friends or even just acquaintances who have seen and heard things and are concerned.

So then what? The child is unhappy, the parent has been given all of the answers to help their relationship with their child, but nothing happens. No changes are made in that parent’s home. The yelling and lies, or even worse, continue. The child tries and tries to pour their heart out to their parent and their parent is just defensive, won’t listen, angry, mean, says hurtful things, calls their own child names.

Finally, we all (including the children) just realize that what the other parent is doing is nothing but “noise”, right? Our jobs aren’t to listen to or even respect the other parent’s noise, our job isn’t to feel sorry for the other parent, our job isn’t to try harder than they are trying for them to have a relationship with their own children.

Our job is to protect the child in all ways, psychologically, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Once a child divorces a parent and the dust settles a bit then things start to happen. Beautiful and, finally, peaceful things. The child or children start to thrive. They feel confident and happy and mature. They are more emotionally stable. They understand what life should look like (for them) and they feel secure. Other people start to notice this happiness; the weight lifted off of these innocent, sweet children. The fear and worry and anxiety vanish.

Once the transition happens and the choices are finally made, it’s still hard when kids have to face the other parent, but, in some ways it’s even harder for parents to face the other parent. Parents who know who the other parent is. Parents who know what the other parent has done. But, the hardest thing is that no one else knows. That other parent is able to tell their version of events in their own twisted way and they are likely still being encouraged by friends who have no idea the darkness that parent has dragged their child through.

At the end of the day what matters is the happiness of the kids, right? Not our own happiness. Not the happiness of the other parent who may have even realized they didn’t want to be a parent after all. At the end of the day the truth always comes out. Despite the circumstances, the continuous “noise”, the inability for other parents to truly be a parent; stability, security and happiness will always, and effortlessly, win. And, it is our job to help our kids find that beautiful, peaceful, happy and secure place where they can thrive, no matter what. At the end of the day, our children have two houses but they finally discover, on their own, that they only have one HOME.