embers
A few years ago I was counseling with my priest about a number of life changes I was going through. I was struggling and this man is so wise, kind, knowledgable, forgiving, loving and encouraging. I poured my heart out to him on so many occasions and one piece of advice he gave me has really stuck with me. There was a relationship I was frustrated with and his advice was, “Stop giving oxygen to it, without oxygen the fire will eventually die”. He went on to explain the different types of oxygen. “Stop thinking about it, stop reaching out, stop worrying. Just pray for your peace and their peace and move on”.
While this sounds like such solid advice, and definitely advice I should have listened to, I have had an internal conflict about how to do this as a Christian. How do I still strive to be more like Jesus and turn away from someone when Jesus would never turn His back on someone? How do I become a little colder and a little more distant when I’m a hugger, a talker, a super sensitive person that ultimately wants everyone to just get along even if it’s hard?
So, I followed directions and I turned off the oxygen back then, but this is a relationship that I can’t totally extinguish. It will be in my life forever. Over the last few years I slowly began giving a little more oxygen to this fire in hopes that the fire would be for warmth and comfort, not to burn me (and my family) yet again. I prayed and asked God to show me what to say, how to act, what to do. I kept hearing the same answer, “Kill them with kindness” (well, God didn’t say it quite like that but that’s the message I heard, in a nutshell). Let the person back in, maybe they have changed, maybe they will apologize, maybe they will meet me halfway and respect my boundaries. Maybe they will respect me as a person, a grown adult, another woman.
It didn’t take long for the fire to burn out of control. The condescension, the lies, the manipulation, the outrage, all started flaring, yet again. This person is the master of the two-faced conversation, the master of building an army (based on their side of the story), the master of turning people against each other. This person has had a number of marriages, dissolved a number of relationships and friendships, yet I know that God would never give up on me so I told myself that I absolutely will not give up on someone else.
Until now.
I have built a successful business, I have loving and intelligent children, I have loving and intelligent future stepchildren (four of our five kids receive grades at school and those four consistently have straight A’s, that’s an accomplishment in itself!), I volunteer at church and school, I substitute teach, I keep a clean house and cook dinner every night, I pack three to five lunches every day, I rarely sit down to relax for more than a few minutes every day and I am the only parent to my three girls most of the year. Yet, I heard something recently from this dangerous relationship that was the final straw for me. It sounds silly and petty, but we all have a “final straw” (some straws are BIG final straws, some are very small). This was the very small straw that broke the camel’s back. This person has spun such an irrational and untruthful web about me that someone who they are very close to had the nerve to say that I am nothing but a “couch potato who plays on my phone all day”.
First of all, are we in middle school? I thought we left middle school 30 years ago. Second of all, excuse me, what? Is that how low you have to go to find some sort of insult? To the person who has done so much for you? That comment didn’t even make sense and, as insignificant as it may seem to you reading this post, that was my final straw. Not to mention that the comment was pretty ironic because the person spinning the stories is known to be a pretty unmotivated adult who quits easily, doesn’t put forth much effort and truly does spend countless and mindless hours on some sort of device so much so that one of their marriages dissolved because of it. Their own children have suffered because of it. It just didn’t make any sense.
That immature, inaccurate comment made me realize that I couldn’t fight against the lies anymore. That this person thinks on a different level. This comment actually made me feel sad and sorry for this person because they truly need help. I don’t mean like a good friend to talk to, but professional help to address their issues that make them perceive situations so differently than the actual situation.
How can this person attract so many people only to burn them and turn them away? Why does anyone listen to this person without even wanting to know the truth? Because, on the outside, this person seems outgoing and fun and talkative. They seem like they have it all together. They seem to be an engaging listener. Until you really get past those layers of who they want to be and truly see who they really are.
“Even salt looks like sugar.”
I used to feel sad about this fire going out because I felt like I had failed this relationship. I used to think, “Maybe I should write them a letter” (did that). “Maybe I should give them a book or small gift” (did that, too). Maybe I should apologize for whatever I have done to make this person treat me the way that they do in hopes that they would forgive and we could both move on. The Lord knows I have done that. Then, it finally hit me, I needed to stop opening myself up to this frustration, I needed to stop stoking the flame, I needed to turn off the oxygen, stand back and watch the flame die until there was nothing left but embers. In other words, I needed to change my boundaries, so I did just that. I am reading more to learn ways to move forward and protect myself, I’m praying for God to allow me to receive forgiveness and move on, I’m praising God for all of the GOOD in my life (there is so very much of it, I am undeserving of all of the good in my life). Instead of trying to figure out how to deal with the negative, I am focusing on the positive. I am adjusting my life in a different, healthier, way.
“I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.”
When I committed to turning the oxygen off, to changing my personal boundaries, when I realized that that fire brought nothing good to my household, to my family or to me, I finally felt at peace. I didn’t and I do not owe this person my time, my attention, my friendship, my worry, my frustration, or, really, even the time it is taking to write this blog post (but, I’m hopeful that this post and many others who write blogs can help people who have similar feelings and life issues). Because this person will be in my life forever, I will continue to pray for this person if the flame pops up in my mind, but I will say my prayer and turn the oxygen off again. I have been burned by that fire far too many times and that fire has burned too many of the people who I love and who truly matter in my life. I have learned that setting boundaries does not make me a bad person, does not make me fall away from my walk with Jesus and it does not mean I gave up too quickly. All it means is that I will no longer stoke a fire that will burn my hand. Around the embers is the safest place to be sometimes and I can truly feel the beauty of these embers now. Finally.
