breaking up

“We have three types of friends in life. Friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime”. I have had all three and I’m sure many of you have as well. I’m not going to lie and pretend that I am the best friend ever. I certainly have my faults. I might get irritated easily at times or say things I shouldn’t (things I always regret after the words have crossed my lips). But, I have a lot of good friendship qualities as well. I’m patient, if you need help then I’m there, if you need to bend an ear because your spouse/job/kids are driving you crazy then call me up, if you go through a major life change like the loss of a parent or spouse then I will pray with you and for you, cry with you and for you when you don’t even know I’m doing it. I also have qualities that make me a bad friend to myself. For example, I put other’s values before my own and I often allow other people to walk all over me to avoid an argument. I don’t like confrontation. Someone once told me, “I don’t mind confrontation. That’s why I’m still married”. I’m still not sure exactly what that means but I can’t help but feel that it was a little dig because, as we all know, I am no longer married. Did I question that hurtful comment? No. I just took it and didn’t ask for an explanation or even so much as say that I felt it was hurtful.

I’m also the first to apologize. I will apologize profusely…verbally, handwritten, texts, voicemails, cards, flowers, gifts. But, you know what I have realized now that I am in my 40s? My “friends for a lifetime” have never needed an apology. We have never hurt each other. We give each other grace and understanding. There is a level of maturity that has transcended the decades we have all known each other. Those are the “lifetime friends” who I hold near and dear to my heart and am so very grateful for.

One of my girlfriends is pretty darn intuitive. I can explain a situation to her and she quickly has it all sorted out while helping me to sort it out in my mind as well. A while back she and I talked about friendships and she made the observation that friendships go through break ups, just like girlfriends and boyfriends do. Husbands and wives. She said that she has observed that women become friends (sometimes fast friends) and spend all of their time together. Talking, texting, going for walks, brunch, lunch, girls night, vacations, etc. But, that doesn’t mean that that person will stay in your life forever. That person might be a “reason” friend or a “season” friend but not a “lifetime” friend. And, that’s ok.

A few months later I visited my aesthetician for a treatment. I know, that sounds so “fancy”…like I have my very own aesthetician. Well, I have always had problem skin and this woman has helped with a number of those problems (my skin is still not “perfect” by any means and I have issues that would require way more pain and money than I’m willing to invest!). So, my “aesthetician” is like saying my “dentist” or my “doctor”. She’s just a part of my healthcare routine. But, she has also become a friend. We have had so many deep conversations on her treatment table and the last time I visited her we talked about friendships. She said, “Chrissy, I’m in my 50s and I have finally realized that friends break up with friends just like men and women break up”. What? You made the same observation? Tell me more, I asked her. She said that sometimes women act a certain way and you think, “Oh, I feel the same way!” or, “I totally agree!” or, “She’s so funny/nice/smart/kind/beautiful…we should be friends”. But, it’s just not a match. She went on to say that sometimes it takes a long time, months or even years, to realize that that “friend” was a “reason” friend or a “season” friend and that breaking up was inevitable.

So, I have had a handful of friendship “break-ups” and they aren’t easy. Sometimes there was a distinct turning point or other times it was a slow drift. Regardless, it was, as my aesthetician said, inevitable. Maybe it was me, maybe it was them. Maybe it was both of us. But, no matter the cause, these mini breakups can be painful. As for me, I end up having strong feelings of regret, sometimes loneliness, often anxiety. Even though I am surrounded by so many loving people in my life who have been my “lifetime” people, who are encouraging and who “totally saw this friendship breakup coming” (often before I did) I still have feelings of sadness and guilt over the loss of a friend.

But, then, over time (sometimes many months) I have clarity. Parting ways with a “reason” friend or a “season” friend has often revealed the toxicity that was in that friendship. Sometimes there was too much alcohol, sometimes too much gossip, sometimes too much negativity, sometimes I filled my time with meaningless conversation with that friend when I could have been focusing on my true friendships, Allan, our children, my job. Sometimes my kids were exposed to things that made them question me as to why I was friends with that person. That should have been a big red flag but, instead, I made excuses when I should have been taking steps away.

Lalah Delia, author of Vibrate Higher Daily, advised, “You have to trust that the universe has something better for you out there.”

I lean into this and I trust this.

She also stated, “Pruning my relationships is how I was able to navigate out of a life that didn’t serve me into one that did”. Wow. I’ve done that! I “pruned” a 17 year relationship. A marriage. And now my life is so much more full, rewarding, blessed, peaceful, happy, love-filled.

There are many ways to go through a friendship breakup. Sometimes it feels like the whole world has blown up, lies are being spread, someone started a fire and didn’t even care to put it out, someone was immature or too sensitive or exaggerated or told an inaccurate version of the “truth”. I’ve only been through one of those friendship breakups and it was maddening. Jaw-dropping. How could this be happening? Between grown women? But, guess what? That friendship breakup was truly the biggest blessing. I, of course, didn’t recognize that as I was experiencing it but now, I don’t regret a thing about the way it all unfolded. Allan called it from the start, oh how I should have listened to him when he told me to just move on and that this was certainly for the best! It sure would have saved me a lot of worry and anxiety and even groveling at times.

Since friendship breakups can be a cleansing time in our lives the best way to go through it is with grace, mindfulness, compassion, understanding, maturity and love. Cutting someone off and moving on because it makes YOU feel good is certainly not loving or compassionate to the person you are cutting yourself off from. Remember when that person was who you would call to talk to about the funny thing that happened that day? Or the one you would text pictures of outfits to to make sure your shoes looked OK? Or the one you talked to about your marriage frustrations, family frustrations, child-raising frustrations? Instead, a healthy and mature way would be to have a conversation between the two friends. Allow time for each other to be heard. Apologize for your part in the breakup because, no matter how amazing you think you might be, we all have some fault in a friendship breakup.

And sometimes something beautiful happens. Sometimes, after a friendship breakup and space and parting ways for a while “reason” friends and “season” friends come back together. This has happened to me a couple of times and those friendships have actually come back together stronger than before. There is a new level of understanding. A new level of grace. A new level of appreciation, even. All of a sudden, there seems to be a new level of balance.

So, over time I have realized that not every friendship is worth saving. Some of them were meant to fall apart to teach a hard lesson or to help me grow as a woman, a mom and a friend. I tell my girls all the time, “Not everyone has to be your friend. But, you have to be nice to everyone. Even if they treat you badly”. I will now be teaching them about “reason” friends, “season” friends and “lifetime” friends in hopes that they will understand the difference and not be so hard on themselves because, inevitably, they will experience each and every one of these. They will prune their lives to be beautifully amazing with “lifetime” friends who value them, love them and grow with them.